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To paraphrase Woody Allen, this Anaheim Mighty Ducks season could well be described as a travesty of a sham of a mockery. But at least the team avoided Allen's dreaded travesty of two shams of a mockery.

Ducks fans take note: There will be no Teemu Selanne holdout. There will be no posturing, no acrimonious negotiations and no ill will harbored between management and star. Disney uber-boss Michael Eisner will make no "take-it-or-leave-it" offers, and team president Tony Tavares won't face months of media queries as to why contract talks are at a standstill.

By signing Selanne to a two-year extension, GM Jack Ferreira avoided all the headaches that got the 1997-98 Anaheim campaign off to a disastrous start. All right, so the signing does little to take the sting out of missing the playoffs. But, if nothing else, it will go a long way toward convincing the fans that this year was an aberration; that the team really does intend to move forward rather than rest on its one-playoff-season laurels and box office success.

And who knows? It might even convince a significant free agent or two that Anaheim could be an attractive place to play. Did somebody say Ron Francis?

STILL A BARGAIN

The beauty of the Selanne deal is that it underlines exactly what type of player, and person, this guy really is. Start with the fact that as Selanne -- the league's leading goal scorer -- watched players like Jagr, Kariya, Lindros and Sakic sign ever-richer contracts, he never blinked an eye. He didn't pout, he didn't complain and he didn't ask to have his contract renegotiated, a la John LeClair.

In fact, when pressed on the issue, he simply declared that he had a contract and intended to honor it. End of discussion.

So the man who sometimes goes by "Teddy Flash" -- but who might better be described as "Teddy Steady" -- was happy and appreciative when Anaheim management came to him with an offer to extend his current deal. Forget the fact that his last two existing years (with base salary of around $3.5 million and bonuses of up to $600,000) are unimproved. And forget that by the time he reaches the new $8 million and $8.5 million years he will again be compensated at well under market value (even with his $3 million signing bonus).

Why? Because Selanne doesn't care. As he says, "This is a lot of money."

It's $19.5 million, to be exact, far less than Sergei Fedorov stands to make this year alone if his Red Wings make the Western Conference final. But Selanne doesn't care.

What Selanne does care about is security for his family -- and winning a Stanley Cup. Word around the team is that before inking the deal he asked for, and got, assurances that the Ducks would be aggressive in terms of improving the team in the immediate future.

That, of course, is great news for Anaheim fans who suffered a serious letdown after the optimism born of last spring's impressive playoff appearance.

But the best news of all for Anaheim fans is that this player, this special person who cares more about the game than the money, who doesn't grip if someone on another team -- or even in the next locker stall -- is making more than he is, that this incomparable sniper will be a Mighty Duck for four more years.

THE SECRET CORE

"Holy smokes," said coach Pierre Page, when the deal was announced. "Any time you can tie up a guy like this, it's great. He's our core."

And while Pag, might not be around the core for long, his assessment of Selanne's value to the team is bang on. Selanne has missed just eight games due to injury over the last two seasons despite being pounded game in and game out. He has produced with remarkable consistency, with or without Kariya on his wing, with or without a creditable center. He has simply been a force, on and off the ice, since the moment he arrived in Anaheim on Feb. 7, 1996.

Selanne may be the best-kept secret in hockey. If the eastern media saw him more, his name would be routinely be linked with Lindros, Jagr and Gretzky. But as it is, he blows in and out of towns like California's El Nino, faster than you can be ready for him and leaving a lot of damage in his wake.

Yet people who recognize him solely for his scoring, like his hat trick in the 3-3 tie at Madison Square Garden on Oct. 26, are only seeing half the picture. And those who think of him solely as a talented European are barely seeing at all.

Yes, he is fast. And yes, he is as pure a finisher as there is in the game. But Selanne is also a locker-room leader. And he's tough as nails.

He is incredibly strong. Selanne may not go out of his way to initiate contact, but he won't shy away from it either. If you're between him and the puck, and he can't go around you, he will go through you. And if he's in control, you're more likely to bounce off him than knock him off the puck.

This deadly combination of speed, skill, strength and mental toughness makes Teemu Selanne as good, and as important to his team, as any player in the league. Which, of course, begs the question: who's more important to the Mighty Ducks, Selanne or Kariya?

That's one for the ages. On the ice, the stats are pretty much a wash, as are the intangibles. But off the ice, Selanne's locker-room presence and friendly personality makes him indispensable to Disney's sports operation, more so than even Kariya.

It's no wonder that when asked for a Selanne snapshot, Ferreira recalled a game last year in Calgary. "We lost. It must have been minus-20, and there was a group of maybe 20 kids waiting outside. Teemu had just a sport coat on. But he stood in the freezing cold, making sure every kid got an autograph."

That's the kind of picture Disney wants and only Teemu Selanne can provide. As for Selanne's own snapshot, he wants one of him and his teammates taken in, say, late June or early July.

"Wouldn't it be unbelievable to bring a Stanley Cup (to Anaheim)?" asked Selanne. "That's why I'm here."

Selanne Stuff:

* Selanne leads the NHL in goals (51) and is tied for third in scoring (85 points).

* He is also tied (Peter Bondra) for the league lead in game-breaking goals with 13 (10 GWG, 3 GTG).

* Has scored 27.2% of Anaheim's goals, and is threatening to become the fourth player in modern NHL history to score at least 25% of his team's goals in one season (highest percentage is 27.7% by Brett Hull in 90/91).

* 34 of his 51 goals have either given the Ducks the lead (24) or tied the score (10).

* Selanne became the first European to score a hat trick in All-Star competition and to be named All-Star MVP (1998).

* Led Finland to Bronze Medal at 1998 Nagano Olympics, tying teammate Saku Koivu for leading scorer in the tournament (4-6-10).

* Through their first 400 games, only four players in NHL history have scored more goals than Selanne (258). They are: Gretzky (366), Lemieux (320), Bossy (319), Brett Hull (312).

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