It's been a couple weeks since the Olympic torch was snuffed, yet the mystery of which Team USA members trashed the hotel rooms still rages. The US Olympic committee, with the aid of the NHL, has been conducting an investigation into the matter. They interviewed all 23 patriotic players with nothing to show for it except a whole lot of silence. The committee even sent letters to each and every man on the club pleading for the guilty parties to step forward. It didn't work.

The players know who did it, but they're not gonna drop a dime on one of their own. But now the committee is saying that they know who the culprits are and will give them one more week to come forward before releasing their names. Hmm, is that mere bluffing or just a pointless threat? Tough call.

Whether the committee is just blowing smoke or if they truly know who did it is of little concern to us here at LCS Hockey. All we know is that for all the evidence unearthed and the supposed intense investigation into the incident, not once has anyone named names. Well, it's about time someone did. If we can't spread unsubstantiated rumors and twist facts, than what the hell good are we?

Keep in mind, I'm not saying I have any proof or inside information into who actually did the damage. All I'm saying is that I've seen every episode of "Columbo" four or five times and I've picked up some serious crime-solvin' skills. And the way I see it, one doesn't have to be the great trench-coat clad, cigar- chomping sleuth to figure this one out. It's all really quite simple. Let's examine the roster, starting with the goaltenders.

Mike Richter was actually a victim of the shenanigans. He was sleeping soundly when the scofflaws barged into his room and sprayed him with a fire extinguisher. While it was meant as a joke, Richter actually got quite sick for a few moments because of the accidental inhalation of the foam and fumes. So much so that roommate John Vanbiesbrouck was concerned for the welfare of his former Ranger teammate. While Richter laughed it off the next day, at least it gave him an alibi. So scratch Richter and the Beezer off the list. And Guy Hebert? He never even saw the light of day, so it's unlikely he'd get involved in any drunken horseplay to let off steam. He didn't have any steam to let off.

Chris Chelios and Gary Suter have already been exonerated by the committee. They're too old to be associated with such juvenile vandalism in the first place. And if Chelios wanted to bust up a hotel room, he'd first threaten the hotel owner's family, proceed to beat the hell out of the hotel room in question, and then admit to it gladly. He's not gonna hide like some two-bit punk.

Other guys too old to get involved are Brett Hull, Pat LaFontaine, Brian Leetch, Kevin Hatcher, and Joel Otto. Veterans don't have time for such monkey shine. The flip side of that coin is that there are a few guys who are too young. Jamie Langenbrunner and Bryan Berard were just happy to be there. They're not gonna rock the boat. And while he's been around a bit longer, Adam Deadmarsh sort of fits the same youthful bill. These three guys still have to prove themselves in the NHL before they can go around bustin' up hotel rooms. And speaking of "just happy to be there", Keith Carney's innocent.

Doug Weight and Mathieu Schneider were two of the first guys to speak to the media. They both tried to down play the incident, blaming it on weak chairs and whatnot. The fact that they were so eager to talk about it probably means they were trying to stick up for their teammates. So they're in the clear.

Derian Hatcher couldn't have been involved. He seemed to be one of the few Americans to take the Olympics seriously. And if he was guilty he'd face a serious beating from his big brother. Mike Modano should also be clean. Mikey Mo was probably Team USA's best player. He had no reason to take his frustration out on inanimate objects.

While John LeClair, failed to score a goal in the tournament, it wasn't for a lack of effort. He expended all his energy on the ice and didn't save anything for wacky high jinks. It's possible his hulking frame may have accidentally crushed a few chairs, but had he thrown a fire extinguisher out a window it would still be in orbit somewhere over Tokyo.

There's some question as to whether or not Billy Guerin could be involved. But he had to soak up at least a little discipline after all those years in New Jersey. So for the time being, we'll forget about Guerin.

That leaves us with three suspects: Tony Amonte, Jeremy Roenick, and Keith Tkachuk. Once again, I'm only speaking for myself, and am in no way saying that these three guys are guilty, but if pressed, these are the three I'd say are responsible. Just consider the facts:

* All three had disappointing tournaments, failing to record even a single goal.

* All three are from Massachusetts.

* Roenick and Amonte were childhood friends. Hey, remember that time they went trick-or-treating as Batman and Robin? Aw, that was great, that was fun.

* Amonte and Tkachuk played on the same line at Boston University.

* Roenick and Tkachuk are currently teammates in Phoenix.

These three guys are clearly good pals. And if you're gonna get liquored up and commit some vandalism, you want to do it with your best buds. It's like that time I downed a whole quart of Night Train and then spray painted "Corporate Hockey Rags Suck" all over the offices of The Hockey News. I didn't take some guys I hardly knew with me, I went with my boys. And those poor bastards at THN still don't know who did it. Aw, that was a good time. I wonder if I have any paint left? Because I'd like to go back and finish that mural of Steve Dryden and that goat... but I digress.

The point is that Roenick, Amonte, and Tkachuk are probably the three closest friends on Team USA. And hell, Tkachuk was even named after the sound a chair makes when it breaks. He broke 52 chairs last season. It could have been more but he spent over 200 minutes in the penalty box.

Of the three, there's no question in my mind that Roenick was the mastermind and the brains behind the attempted coverup. The minute I heard there was trouble, I immediately thought of Roenick. JR Superstar has never been accused of being mature. And if going from a 50-goal, 100-point scorer to an average player isn't enough reason for pointless violence, nothing is. Hey, maybe Roenick threw all his talent out a window, too? It would explain a lot.

So there you have it. If asked, those are the three guys I'd pick as being responsible for the zany antics in Nagano. And I have nothing against any of them. Because, once again, who among us hasn't gotten ripped and trashed a Japanese hotel room at least once in our lives? I'm sure they're all great guys. I could care less whether or not they actually did the crime, I'd still be proud to wear their jerseys. Well, except for Roenick... but that's neither here nor there. I'm just voicing an opinion and trying to shed some light on a matter of great interest. If it turns out they're innocent, that's swell. I'll owe them all an apology. And if they're guilty, well, the filthy punks had it comin'...

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