LCS Hockey - The Maul at the Mall

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Maul at the Mall Update
by Michael Dell, Editor-in-Chief

Now little more than a week away, the preparations for the Maul at the Mall are continuing right on schedule.

For those of you not aware of the impending titanic tussle, I have challenged Peter Karmanos, the owner of the Carolina Hurricanes, to a fight. If I win, LCS takes over ownership of the Hurricanes. We would then immediately move the club back to Hartford and the mighty Whale would swim again! In the unlikely event that Karmanos wins, he would gain the entire LCS Hockey empire, which includes such riches as several ALF episodes on Beta cassette and a big barrel of grain alcohol.

The fight is going to take place at Greengate Mall on Wednesday, February 4th. It's only fitting, seeing how Karmanos savagely ripped the Whale from their comfy confines of the Mall in Hartford. Now he will be beaten and torn asunder amidst the hustle and bustle of a similar public commerce center.

While I don't expect to have much trouble in the fight, I have started to train for the event. Yes, it's quite the strict two- part regiment. First, I've wisely allotted myself three more hours of sleep each day, bringing my average nightly slumber to an even 18 hours. Rest is important. Second, I've begun studying video of classic fights from the past. I usually start with the episode of "Welcome Back, Kotter" when Horschak fought Carvelli and end with the flashback episode of "The Dick Van Dyke Show" when Rob becomes the boxing champ of his army camp under the name "Pitter Patter" Petrie. Aw, that's good stuff.

Needless to say, we'll have coverage of the Maul at the Mall in the next issue of LCS, which is due out on Tuesday, February 10. We're trying to get Joe Rossi and Dennis Price, the two guys that covered the Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament for us, to chronicle the fight. Hopefully we can get that worked out.

All that leaves is the tale of the tape. Here's how things look heading into the fight. As always, in order to not offend our more sensitive readers, expletives have been replaced with forms of the word sunshine.