Word on the street is that the Carolina Hurricanes have sold only 3,000 season tickets. Until we're able to liberate the franchise from the slimy grasp of Peter Karmanos and return it to its rightful place in Hartford, the least we can do is try and boost the attendance a bit. After all, LCS hero Gary Roberts deserves to be playing in front of a full house. Anything less is a disgrace to Gary, a disgrace to LCS, and a disgrace to the sport.

With that in mind, we here at LCS did a little brainstorming and came up with some ideas to increase attendance in Carolina. Luckily for us, it doesn't take long to storm our brains. Maybe two, three minutes tops. I like to storm mine during commercials. That way I can watch "Columbo" all care free like, without the threat of distraction.

Speaking of Columbo, it would take the frumpy, cigar-smoking sleuth to find out why the hell the Hurricanes decided to have a pig as their mascot. Yes, it's true, they have a pig as a mascot. Apparently the Carolina region is real big into the harvesting of pork. It's the other white meat, ya know. So they, like, raise the pigs, get 'em all fat, and then slaughter the hell out of 'em. Oh wait, now that I put it like that, it's easy to see why a pig was chosen. Sure, nothing morbid about the decision at all. Honest. Selecting a pig makes perfect sense... if you're insane!

What were they thinking? What, will the pig walk around with a bloody knife in his back? Between periods are they gonna let fans come down out of the stands and cut his throat? If having a pig as their mascot doesn't create a whole mess of new vegetarians, nothing will. I can just hear the conversation now between a father and son at the games.

Father: See that dancing pig down there, Timmy?

Son: Yeah, Pop.

Father: We get bacon from his ass. Tomorrow when you're eating breakfast, you can pretend you're eating his ass.

Son: Wow, his ass is tasty, Pop.

Father: It certainly is, son. It certainly is.

See, that's just wrong. You can't have a mascot that's also a source of food... a source of really disgusting food. It just doesn't work. The mascot choice is even more disturbing considering there's a certain furry blue behemoth currently without a gig in the NHL. His name begins with a "B" and ends in an "adaboum". Is that familiar to anyone out there? Hello?

Forgiving the rather unfortunate choice in mascot for a moment, the club is currently trying to find a name for its curly-tailed cretin. Perhaps with the right name, the pig will actually win us over. So we did our best to think of a name that would generate some fan excitement and bring people to the rink. In our search for the perfect moniker, we dispatched with the spiteful (Oprah), the obvious (Cholesterol), and the ironic (Abraham R. Swinestein). In the end, there is only one true name for a pig mascot: Tricky.

Yes, Tricky the Pig. Tricky is short, easy to remember, and gives the impression of a mischievous rogue. Plus it's a nickname for Trichinosis. And you don't want to mess with a pig named Trichinosis. This way people won't even consider eating him. A name like Trichinosis sends the message "Hey, this pork's off limits, bucko!"

Now that the mascot situation is under control, let's turn our attention to the club's rink, the Greensboro Coliseum. It seems obvious to us that the arena's nickname should be "The Storm Cellar". Not only is it catchy, it would look damn fine on T- shirts.

Now that it has the catchy name, the building has to live up to the hype. You can't have a rink named "The Storm Cellar" and then have it be your average, run-of-the-mill barn. Oh, no. You gotta go that extra marketing mile.

To start with, all windows and doors must be boarded up following the drop of the puck. Fire hazard, shmire hazard, bust out the hammer and nails.

Concession stands should only sell canned goods and bottled water. Put the hot dogs down and pick up a can of yellow string beans. Hey, you could get some corn, your buddy could get some lima beans... BAM! Succotash, no waiting.

Between intermissions, the Storm Cellar's corridors should be turned into wind tunnels. Not only will it add to the authenticity of the event, but the club could pick up some extra scratch by running aerodynamic tests on Japanese cars.

And what about the arena sprinklers? Well, those boys should be spittin' 24-7-365. Dress accordingly.

One final change to perk up the arena, replace all existing personnel (ticket-takers, ushers, etc.), with leggy supermodels. Employee efficiency may drop a bit, but who the hell cares? We've pitched this leggy-supermodel idea before and it always seems to fall on deaf ears. It's gold, Jerry! Gold!

Well, that's about it. If wearing a rain coat to games and eating cold vegetables right from the can while watching a pig named Trichinosis dance doesn't create more fan interest, then maybe the people of Carolina just don't deserve a damn hockey team.

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