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Special LCS Christmas Interview: Elmo
by Michael Dell, editor-in-chief

By now everyone knows that the hottest toy this Christmas season is none other than "Tickle Me Elmo". Basically, it's a stuffed vibrating version of the popular Sesame Street character. Yet despite its simplicity, the little fellahs are flying off the shelves at record pace.

Never wanting to let a chance for cheap commercialism pass us by, we here at LCS tried to cash in on the toy's popularity by marketing "Tickle Me Zippy".

Granted, we don't have the money to actually produce stuffed versions of Zippy, but that didn't stop us. Instead, we simply constructed a makeshift wooden booth that we set up in front of Sportif tours, the 32-story headquarters of LCS: Guide to Hockey located in the heart of the thriving metropolis that is Greensburg, Pennsylvania, and took Zippy to the streets for all the world to enjoy.

The plan was simple. Give us a dollar and you get to tickle Zippy. Dollar, tickle, dollar, tickle, dollar, tickle. Seemed easy enough, right? That's what we thought. Then Zippy had to go and bite some little kid's finger off. I mean, really, big deal! The kid's got nine more, for cryin' out loud! But no! We had to shut down operations just because of a little blood. If Jim Henson was treated like this, the "Muppets" probably never would have gotten off the ground.

Anyway, we were kind of bummed out when our newest get-rich-quick scheme ended in failure. However, our spirits were lifted when Elmo, the Sesame Street character himself, agreed to do an interview with us. The results were kind of surprising.

Here now, is the transcript of that interview.

LCS: Elmo, thanks for chatting with us. Are you havin' a festive holiday season?

Elmo: Yeeeeeeees! A very festive holiday season! It's such a wonderful time of year! I just love seeing people happy!

LCS: Well, you certainly are making a lot of children happy this year. But I can't speak for their parents who have to try and find a "Tickle Me Elmo". What's it like being the inspiration behind the hottest Christmas toy?

Elmo: Oh, it's wonderful! I love making people happy! The season is all about love and I just like to try and spread love wherever I go!

LCS: I've seen you on TV a lot lately promoting the stuffed version of yourself. Do you enjoy doing such publicity tours?

Elmo: Oh, yeeeeeeees!

LCS: Are you sure? Because you look kind of tired to me.

Elmo: No, really, I just love it... it's wonderful! I love to help spread love!

LCS: Are you really, really sure? Because, I don't know, you just seem a little off to me?

Elmo: No, I'm sure... I love it... it's wonderful... i love to spread love and all that jazz... yadda, yadda, yadda...

LCS: See right there! That's what I'm talkin' about! You just seem different somehow. Are you sure the hectic pace of the season isn't starting to get to you a little bit?

Elmo: Listen, punk. Who the hell's hand is up your a**? Because he must not be hearin' too well! Listen to me when I'm talkin' to ya, boy! I'm cuttin', but you ain't bleedin'! I love spreading love! Christmas is wonderful! I love it! Got it, slappy?

LCS: Now see, I think somethin's wrong... you just don't seem yourself... you never talked like that on Sesame Street.

Elmo: How the f*** would you know? You don't f***** know me, man! Hey, in case you haven't noticed, Sesame Street is just a TV show! Hello? It's make believe! Earth to, dumb***? Come in, dumb***?

LCS: Are you feeling all right?

Elmo: Yeah, I'm feelin' f***** great. But I'd feel better with a smoke. Can I smoke in here, or are you gonna be a d*** about it?

Elmo: Um, well, do you think you really should? I mean kids do look up to you...

Elmo: Hey, I'm not a f***** role model for no punk*** kids. I'm not a parent either. Well, I guess I could be... somewhere... but I like to keep movin', if you know what I mean? Elmo don't hang around for breakfast, if you catch my drift.

LCS: That's terrible! What kind of a muppet are you?

Elmo: F*** you, dude! And f*** your gay a** hockey rag! You guys blow anyway. And just so you know, Johnny Cullen f***** sucks.

LCS: Watch yourself.

Elmo: Why what are you gonna do about it, you f**itty a** punk? I'll make you my b****, fool!

LCS: Elmo, why don't you just calm down.

Elmo: Don't tell me what to do, b****! Elmo does whatever the f*** he wants! Got that, turkey?

LCS: I just can't help but think that when people read this they'll be turned off.

Elmo: Whatever, b****. Like anyone even reads your piece of s*** rag! More people read my grocery list than read this s***!

LCS: Yeah, I could see that. You've probably got like butlers and stuff, huh?

Elmo: You got that straight, mutha f*****! Now I gots to go. I've got an interview with Katie Couric tomorrow morning and she's one bad little mamma. Peace, I'm out.

So, there you have it. Rather enlightening, wouldn't you say?

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