Keenan Fan Club President Mourning

Keenan Fan Club President Mourning
By Michael Dell, editor-in-chief

On December 19, Mike Keenan was relieved of his coaching and general manager duties by the St. Louis Blues organization. A few moments later, the entire city of St. Louis let out a collective "Yippee!"
The news was greeted with similar results all around the hockey world. However, there was one person who was rather distressed by word of the firing. No, not Keenan's psychologist. I'm of course talking about that wild and wacky president of the Official Mike Keenan Fan Club, Kenny Bloom.
For those of you not around last issue, LCS discovered Kenny practically in our own backyard, operating a Tasty Freeze ice cream parlor in nearby Youngwood, Pennsylvania. He became enamored with the former St. Louis coach when Keenan gave him a five-dollar tip on a free cup of ice chips while passing through town last Spring. Kenny was so inspired by this accidental brush with greatness, that he eventually founded the fan club as a way of honoring his new-found hero.
While few will consider the club's membership large, unless you're often impressed by the number four, Kenny's dedication to his idol is certainly something to behold. It only seemed fair that we contact Kenny again this week to get his reactions to the recent events.
Here now, is a transcript of our latest conversation with Kenny.

LCS: Kenny, first off, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with us again. We really appreciate it.
Kenny: No problem, it's my pleasure. Luckily, with it being so cold out, business at the Tasty Freeze is kind of slow. At least now I have time to mourn.
LCS: Yeah, I didn't want to say anything, but I thought it was kind of odd that you were wearin' all black.
Kenny: Oh, well, that doesn't have anything to do with Mike Keenan... it's just every Thursday I like to pay tribute to Johnny Cash.
LCS: I'd ask what that means, but I'm afraid you'd tell me. Back to the matter at hand, how are you dealing with the news of Mike Keenan's firing?
Kenny: Well, I'll be honest, it hasn't been easy. Somehow without Mike behind the St. Louis bench, life just isn't the same. It's as if my whole world got flipped upside down. Things are even different down at the old Tasty Freeze. The chocolate doesn't taste as rich, the sprinkles don't look as colorful, and the cones taste a little stale. Each morning when I arrive at work, I bow to the six-foot poster of Mike above the register just like normal, but somehow it's not the same.
LCS: Speaking of the Tasty Freeze, what was that motto you wrote for it? I know you told me last time, but I can't remember. I do recall it being extremely clever. Think you could learn me?
Kenny: I am kind of proud of it, I wrote it myself ya know? Anyway, the Tasty Freeze motto is "If it ain't frozen and it ain't tasty... then it's not Tasty Freeze."
LCS: Ah, yes, that was great, that was fun. But listen, I think I came up with a motto your fan club could use for Mike Keenan.
Kenny: Oh, how wonderful! I can't wait to hear it!
LCS: Ready?
Kenny: Yeah.
LCS: Okay, here goes. "If he ain't insane and he ain't unemployed... then he's not Mike Keenan."
Kenny: That's not very funny.
LCS: Sorry, I was just trying to help. So how's the rest of the fan club taking it?
Kenny: Mother is just heartbroken. Although, come to think of it, that might just be because she missed Matlock last week. Mother just loves Andy Griffith.
LCS: How about your brother?
Kenny: Yeah, Chester likes Andy Griffith too. But he prefers the old Andy Griffith Show to Matlock.
LCS: No, you knucklehead, I was talking about Keenan... how does he feel about Keenan?
Kenny: Oh, well, actually I'm not sure if Chet has heard the news. He's been kind of busy since he got his job at the bowling alley back.
LCS: Hey, Kenny, that reminds me of a riddle I heard about Mike Keenan. Maybe you could use it at one of your next meetings. Would you like to hear it?
Kenny: um, okay...
LCS: What's the difference between Mike Keenan and your brother Chester?
Kenny: I don't know, what?
LCS: Your brother has a job.
Kenny: That's not very funny.
LCS: I'm sorry. So, how's your dog been lately? He is the fourth and final member of the fan club right?
Kenny: Lightning has been just fine, but I must correct you, he's not the last member of the club.
LCS: Really? Did you guys snag a new member over the last week?
Kenny: Actually we got five new members.
LCS: Wow! Five new members? That's mighty impressive. Who are they?
Kenny: Well, they're right here, let me introduce you. This here is Leroy. To his left is Charlie, Stevie, Dwayne, and Pepe. They're all really big Mike Keenan fans.
LCS: Um, Kenny?
Kenny: Yes?
LCS: There's no one else here... it's just you and me buddy.
Kenny: Alright guys, settle down! Dwayne, give Pepe back his sombrero! Don't throw it, hand it to him! Charlie, get off the table! Okay, now look at what you did! That's it, if you guys can't behave you'll have to go wait outside on the burro! Now go on, git! I'm sorry about that, but sometimes the guys get a little rowdy.
LCS: You're really taking Keenan's firing kind of hard, aren't you, Kenny?
Kenny: Yeah, I guess so.
LCS: I think now would probably be a good time to end the interview, with you scaring the hell out of me and all, but before you go, how'd you like to hear a swell knock-knock joke about Mike Keenan? You could share it with the guys on the long burro ride home. It's pretty funny...
Kenny: Well, okay... as long as you're sure it doesn't make fun of him.
LCS: Oh, of course it doesn't.
Kenny: Okay, what is it?
LCS: Knock knock.
Kenny: Who's there?
LCS: Mike Keenan.
Kenny: Mike Keenan who?
LCS: Mike Keenan who needs a job!
Kenny: That's not very funny.
LCS: Well, I originally heard it in Canadian, so it probably lost something in the translation. Let me try it again. Knock knock.
Kenny: Who's there?
LCS: Mike Keenan.
Kenny: Mike Keenan who?
LCS: Mike Keenan who needs a job, eh!
Kenny: That's still not very funny.
LCS: Neither is what Keenan did to the Blues franchise.