PLAYOFF SEEDING
Lately there's been some grief about the format for playoff seeding, where division winners receive precedent over teams with more points. For example, the Carolina Hurricanes will be seeded third in the East if they win the Southeast Division, even though they have fewer points than Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Toronto, and Buffalo. Instead of being seventh, the Canes will sit in the three hole and enjoy home ice for the first round of the playoffs.

Some people don't think this is fair. But guess what? Life ain't fair, Clyde. If it was do you think Don Knotts would have been sitting home on Oscar night? How many years have to go by before the Academy recognizes his brilliant career? "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" didn't make itself.

As long as the conferences are grouped by divisions, then the division winners should receive preferential treatment. It's the only thing that keeps the rivalries going. If division winners don't receive special benefits, then there would be no point in having divisions. The alternative would be to switch to a balanced schedule where a club plays the same number of games against every other team in its given conference. Where's the fun in that?

If a club like the Flyers wants to be seeded higher than the Hurricanes there's a simple solution: try harder. Don't be satisfied with what you've done, hunger for what you haven't. Win more games. Win your division. Then there's no doubt as to your fate. If only Don Knotts had it so easy.

COACHING ADVICE
On the whole, hockey coaches are smart guys. But some things they do just drive me crazy. Usually I have to call 'em out for questionable line combinations, but this time it's a matter of late-game strategy that has me up in arms again.

Bob Hartley by Meredith Martini

Nothing gets me more irate than watching a team on the power play pull its goaltender when it's trailing by one goal with more than a minute left in regulation. If there's less than 30 seconds, then okay, go right ahead. But otherwise it's an exercise in stupidity.

The most recent example came on March 14 when the Detroit Red Wings prevailed 3-1 over the Colorado Avalanche in Denver. The Avalanche were behind 2-1 with two minutes and 25 seconds remaining in the third when Detroit's Martin Lapointe got whistled for high-sticking. Instead of just being content to allow Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg, Adam Deadmarsh, Claude Lemieux, and Sandis Ozolinsh to work their usual five-on-four magic, Colorado coach Bob Hartley elected to pull Patrick Roy in order to employ a six-on-four advantage. Bad idea.

Colorado seemed over cautious with the puck and eventually turned it over at center ice and Igor Larionov slid a weak shot into a gaping net at 18:57, ending the game and wasting the final 22 seconds of the power play not to mention the final 1:03 of regulation.

Let me ask you this, let me ask you this... what's the point of pulling your goaltender in the first place? To get a man- advantage. So why do it if you're already on the power play? It makes no sense. And since there's no fear of icing, all it takes is one bad bounce or errant pass anywhere on the ice, including the offensive zone, and the penalty killers can end the game in a heartbeat.

Now things are different if you have a draw in deep and only like 20 or 30 seconds left, but it's a ridiculous ploy when you're looking at a full two minutes as the Avalanche were on that day. Hartley isn't the only guy to make this mistake, though. The worst example of this suicidal tendency came in Game Six of the 1994 Eastern Conference Finals when Jacques Lemaire handed Mark Messier an empty-net hat trick goal and squandered the final two minutes of the game. Yeah, that'll suck.

All I'm saying is accept the power play, love the power play, use the power play.

LEAVE LEMIEUX ALONE
The city of Pittsburgh is all giddy with the prospect of Mario Lemieux owning the Penguins. And rightly so. Not only has he vowed to keep the team in the Burgh, but he's also, well, Mario Lemieux.

Good ol' number 66 submitted his reorganizational plan for the franchise this past Friday and all is going according to schedule. Lemieux has apparently lined up the investors needed to provide the $50 million to get the deal off the ground. I'm not exactly sure who the investors are, but I'm almost positive that one of them is Oprah. She's got all the money.

With Mario being in town so much lately, he's been able to take in more than a few Penguin games. But the cool thing is that he isn't sitting up in the press box or anything, oh no. Lemieux is sitting in the middle of the Igloo crowd with all the other fans. Mario is of the people, for the people, by the people.

But please, for the love of Cullen, if you see Mario at a game, do not ask him for an autograph. Leave the man alone. It's so pathetic watching people bother the Greatest One while he's there with his family and friends trying to enjoy the game.

Because I know how frustrating it is for me when I'm out in public and people keep bugging me for autographs. I mean, I can only sign so many. Just because I'm so much better than you doesn't make my signature on a piece of paper anything special. Okay, well maybe that's a bad example. But believe me, I'm a normal man. If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you slash my thumb, does it not break? If you forget who I am, do I not die a broken man? Aw, it still hurts. But I digress...

Anyway, just leave Mario alone. But if you really feel the need to bother someone, I'll be signing autographs at the Buffalo Wild Wings behind Westmoreland Mall in Greensburg this Wednesday, and every Wednesday for that matter, beginning at 10PM. I'll be the thin, sickly looking guy at the back table by the windows getting ripped on shots of Jager and humiliating everyone in bar trivia. Feel free to stop by and say hi. I'll tell a few jokes, you'll buy me a few shots, I'll sign some autographs, you'll buy me some more shots, everything will be grand.

SAKIC SMACK DOWN
Joe Sakic isn't scared to throw. Doug Gilmour found out the hard way during Chicago's recent 5-5 tie with the Avalanche in Colorado.

At 8:35 of the first period, Sakic scored his 34th goal of the season but chose to celebrate in a rather unique way, tapping out a glorious noise unto the lord with the aid of Gilmour's skull. Sakic came to the defense of his good buddy Theo Fleury after Gilmour threw a punch at the little red menace. Joe, who hadn't recorded a fighting major since February 28, 1990, when he went with Toronto's Gary Leeman, got the gloves off in a hurry and laid the smack down on Gilmour with the Corporate Right Hand. Sakic makes too much money for it to be the People's Right Hand. Gilmour took a pair of clean shots to the side of the head before turtling and holding on for dear life.

But you Doug Gilmour fans out there have nothing to worry about. He's still the most overpaid player in the league.

NHL HELPS THE KIDS
The National Hockey League has this thing they do called the A.S.S.I.S.T. program that helps youth hockey organizations worldwide defray the costs of equipment, ice time, and travel expenses. I think A.S.S.I.S.T. stands for like Assists Skaters and Shooters Ingesting Smoked Turkey or somethin'. But the point is the league does good, making grants of up to $10,000 US to qualifying hockey programs with the overall donations totaling $100,000. Now here's a whole bunch of info straight from the press release, void of wit and sarcasm:

The league is currently accepting grant applications for the 1999-2000 season. In its third year, NHL A.S.S.I.S.T. has provided financial assistance to hockey programs in Canada, China, Hungary, Ireland, Romania, and the United States.

To be eligible for an NHL A.S.S.I.S.T. grant, the applying youth hockey organization must be nationally registered and a member in good standing with a local governing hockey federation. Organizations must also be a not-for-profit entity holding a 501(c)3 tax status in the United States, or native country's equivalent.

Grant recipients will be awarded on the basis of need and community service efforts with special consideration given to organizations that are inclusive of both girls and boys, the economically disadvantaged and physically challenged. The NHL will determine grant recipients based on the information provided in its sole discretion. The deadline for applications is August 13, 1999. Award recipients will be announced by the NHL during the opening of the 1999-2000 NHL season.

To obtain an application for the NHL A.S.S.I.S.T. grant, the NHL has established a toll-free A.S.S.I.S.T. hotline that is accessible within the U.S. and Canada (1-888-NHL-AWARD) as well as a dedicated e-mail address (ASSIST@nhl.com). Applications are also posted on the official NHL website (www.nhl.com). NHL A.S.S.I.S.T. applications will be available at the NHL offices in New York, Toronto, Montreal and Zurich, Switzerland as well as through the International Ice Hockey Federation (IIHF) in Zurich, a founding partner of the NHL A.S.S.I.S.T. program.

Interested programs outside North America can request applications by contacting the NHL Zurich office at 011-411-389-8080 or the IIHF at 011-411-289-8600. Applications are available in English, French, and Spanish upon request.

STATS AND WHATNOT
Who doesn't like wacky stats? Because I know I do, and that's for damn sure. So naturally I was taken aback recently by two individual single game performances.

Gary Roberts by Meredith Martini

The first occurred on Wednesday, March 10, when the Carolina Hurricanes played host to the Pittsburgh Penguins. Even though he couldn't prevent his team from blowing a two-goal third-period lead in an eventual 3-2 overtime loss to the Penguins, the great Gary Roberts was simply an unbelievable physical presence. Roberts racked up an astonishing 17 hits in the game. That's right, 17 hits. That's more collisions than your average highway chase scene in any given episode of "CHiPs." Considering his past history of neck woes, Roberts' aggressive play is courageous to say the least.

The second wacky stat of choice came this past Saturday, March 20, when the Chicago Blackhawks and Colorado Avalanche skated to a 5-5 draw at McNichols Arena. Chris Chelios was on the ice for 40:26 of the 65-minute contest. You play 40 minutes in an NHL game, especially against the likes of Sakic, Fleury, and Forsberg, and you're definitely earning your money.

Here are the league leaders in hits, ice time, and, just for fun, giveaways through Sunday, March 21:

ICE TIME (in minutes)
 1. Chris Pronger, St. Louis Blues      30.21
 2. Brian Leetch, New York Rangers      29.94
 3. Ray Bourque, Boston Bruins          29.55
 4. Al MacInnis, St. Louis Blues        28.99
 5. Chris Chelios, Chicago Blackhawks   27.32
 6. Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit Red Wings 26.79
 7. Mattias Ohlund, Vancouver Canucks   26.67
 8. Joe Sakic, Colorado Avalanche       26.19
 9. Jaromir Jagr, Pittsburgh Penguins   25.91
10. Boris Mironov, Chicago Blackhawks   25.90   

HITS
 1. Gary Roberts, Carolina Hurricanes     221
 2. Ken Klee, Washington Capitals         221
 3. Mattias Norstrom, Los Angeles Kings   212
 4. Darren McCarty, Detroit Red Wings     207
 5. Bobby Holik, New Jersey Devils        201
 6. Keith Primeau, Carolina Hurricanes    197
 7. Bob Boughner, Nashville Predators     193
 8. Richard Matvichuk, Dallas Stars       186
 9. Derian Hatcher, Dallas Stars          186
10. Adrian Aucoin, Vancouver Canucks      185

(NOTE: Darius Kasparaitis is ranked 15th with 173 hits, but his
average of 3.6 hits per game remains the best in the league)

GIVEAWAYS
 1. Jaromir Jagr, Pittsburgh Penguins     182
 2. Oleg Tverdovsky, Phoenix Coyotes      154
 3. Eric Weinrich, Montreal Canadiens     144
 4. Brian Leetch, New York Rangers        142
 5. Teppo Numminen, Phoenix Coyotes       133
 6. Vladimir Malakhov, Montreal Canadiens 130
 7. Joe Juneau, Washington Capitals       128
 8. Mark Recchi, Philadelphia Flyers      127
 9. Pavol Demitra, St. Louis Blues        127
10. Peter Forsberg, Colorado Avalanche    127

Darius Kasparaitis by Meredith Martini

COOLNESS UPDATE
Sadly, Darius Kasparaitis, the coolest player... IN THE WORLD, was forced to undergo season-ending knee surgery. Kaspar will therefore have to relinquish the number one spot on our list of the ten coolest players in the NHL. Gee, I wonder who the new number one is? Can you say Darcy Tucker? I knew that you could.

Coolest Players
 1. Darcy Tucker, Tampa Bay Lightning
 2. Tony Amonte, Chicago Blackhawks 
 3. Marty Straka, Pittsburgh Penguins
 4. Theo Fleury, Colorado Avalanche
 5. Gary Roberts, Carolina Hurricanes
 6. Joe Sakic, Colorado Avalanche
 7. Mike Modano, Dallas Stars
 8. Adam Graves, New York Rangers
 9. John LeClair, Philadelphia Flyers
10. Pavol Demitra, St. Louis Blues

Least Coolest Players
 1. Chris Osgood, Detroit Red Wings 
 2. Kirk Maltby, Detroit Red Wings
 3. Garth Snow, Vancouver Canucks
 4. Jamie Macoun, Detroit Red Wings
 5. Slava Kozlov, Detroit Red Wings
 6. Rich Pilon, New York Islanders
 7. Craig Ludwig, Dallas Stars
 8. Ray Ferraro, Los Angeles Kings
 9. Jeremy Roenick, Phoenix Coyotes
10. Mark Recchi, Philadelphia Flyers

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