See, here's how it works. The NHL provides us with transcripts of conference calls and then I usually craft a hilariously funny feature article around the quotes, employing a vast array of obscure television references and other comedic devices.

One of the featured players this time around is New Jersey's Scott Stevens. Unfortunately, I'm quite burnt at the moment and just don't feel like writing anything. I got nothin'. So instead I'm just going to rerun the transcript in its original question-and-answer form. The only difference being that I have supplied new questions. Stevens' answers are the same, but the questions have been changed or altered to make things confusing and difficult to understand. Good night and god bless.

Scott Stevens by Meredith Martini

LCS: Hello, Mr. Stevens. Let me start by asking the obvious question. Have you ever been bitten by a monkey?

SCOTT STEVENS: Well, it seems like that happens every year, but it is a gamble. I guess the teams that really feel they are there and they have a great chance of winning the Cup will tend to do it. Other than that, I think usually you are going to give up some pretty good players for some picks that could hurt you later on down the line. But if you feel you are right there and you feel you have an excellent chance of winning, a lot of teams will do that.

LCS: Do you like waffles?

SCOTT STEVENS: Yes, there's no question, especially a team that is not going to make the playoffs or doesn't have a great chance, it is always beneficial for them to grab a young player or some draft picks to improve the team down the road.

LCS: Imagining for a moment that it was possible, which do you think would win in a fight: a giant carrot or a giant radish?

SCOTT STEVENS: That is a good question. I think we play a simple game, patient game, and a little more relaxed, maybe, and we are in the games. They are not all pretty, but we seem to be in every game and feel that we can win every game on the road. That is a big part of it.

At home, we are having some troubles. We are just not getting the breaks and just making the mistakes at the wrong time. Where, on the road, we play a simpler game, more patient game, I believe, and we have more success that way.

LCS: Have you ever read "Catcher in the Rye"? Because I just read it a couple weeks ago and I was extremely disappointed.

SCOTT STEVENS: Yes, especially the first half, but now guys are being creative and we had some time off to relax. I can see now he is starting to get more intense. He believes now, which is true, is the time to bear down; work a little harder at different things and really come together and get ready for the playoffs because it is the most important time of the year.

LCS: After French painter Paul Gaugin abandoned his family and moved to Tahiti, he had a string of affairs with several young teenage girls and contracted such a severe case of Syphilis that many of the other island inhabitants thought he was a Leper. Do you think Al MacInnis has a chance to win the Norris this year?

SCOTT STEVENS: Well, there is no question, he has really improved a lot ever since he has come into the league. He seems to be getting better and better. He is very potent on the power play and playing a lot of minutes and he is playing more defensively, which was always a knock, but now, obviously, seems like he is doing much better in that area. To be playing the minutes you are playing, you have to play well defensively at the same time.

LCS: Do you know what the capital of Nepal is?

SCOTT STEVENS: No, I don't think so. I think everyone, you know, you work hard; do the best you can, and you don't have much control over that. As long as you are working as hard as you can play well and doing what you can, I don't think people really keep that in their mind too much. I don't think you can. I don't think it is healthy and I don't think -- obviously, you have no control of it so there is no use worrying about it.

LCS: Sometimes I like to wear frilly, floral-print dresses. Is that wrong?

SCOTT STEVENS: I think so. Probably is. You have been there many times and seeing it come and go, so -- but, I don't really -- I don't ever sense in the room or see where people are waiting for something-to-happen-type thing and that doesn't happen very often. Everyone is pretty happy to be playing and working hard and that is the most important thing, if you are playing well and working hard, doing the best you can, there is nothing else you can do.

LCS: If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?

SCOTT STEVENS: I agree. I think every year you have to put eight teams in there at least. There is a lot of parity in the league, no question. But, obviously, there are some teams that stand out a bit more. But, also, there are teams that slip in the back door. Obviously, Dallas is playing really well. Colorado is picking it up now. Detroit is always -- I think is always dangerous; especially since they have been there before; won a couple. Philadelphia and Phoenix dropped off a bit, but I'd like to look at ourselves, we are having a pretty good year so, there is no question, I have to agree there are probably eight teams that have a good chance of winning the Stanley Cup.

LCS: Thank you very much for your time, Scott.

SCOTT STEVENS: Okay, no problem.

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