Each year at the offices of LCS Hockey, we always anxiously await the arrival of the All-Star Skills competition. And each year when it's over we usually have the same response: "What the hell was that?"

It's not that the event hasn't produced its share of cherished memories over the years. Several indelible images have found their way into our collective subconscious. Who can forget Mario Lemieux's brilliance on breakaways, Ray Bourque's dead-eye shooting, or Sergei Fedorov's incredible skating? And I think we all remember where we were when we first found out that Al Iafrate was bald. It was all good stuff.

The problem is that the evening never seems to live up to its full potential. Instead of being a time to highlight the game's premier talents and charismatic personalities, the Skills Competition is routinely rendered unwatchable by the fine folks at ESPN. The hurried pacing of the individual events makes it seem like everyone involved has a plane to catch, cheating the viewers of a chance to rightfully enjoy the presentation. Then there's the always annoying commentary from Gary Thorne, Bill Clement, Darren Pang, and Barry Melrose that leaves me thankful for the years of painstaking scientific research that resulted in the invention of the mute button. These guys just like themselves way too much. People are laughing at them, not with them. When's ESPN gonna wise up and hirer a young, antisocial, smart-ass punk to help liven up the broadcast? My phone rings, man. My phone rings.

As per usual, the Heroes of Hockey game got things rolling. This year it was the traditional NHL Heroes versus a team of Sunbelt Heroes. Apparently you qualified as a Sunbelt Hero if you could actually recognize that big ball of fire in the sky as the sun. You know, the sun's my favorite planet. Always has been. It's like the king of all planets.

The rosters of the two teams had a few interesting additions. Actor boy Tim Robbins was allowed to skate with the NHL Heroes because, well, he's like famous and stuff. Meanwhile, the Sunbelt squad boasted US Olympic gold-medal winner Cammi Granato and LCS Hockey hero Johnny Cullen, who also just happens to be the idol of millions from eight to eighty.

Needless to say, we here at LCS were greatly anticipating the chance to watch Cullen work his magic. That's why it was so disheartening when ESPN did its best to completely ignore Johnny whenever he was on the ice. You think they'd go out of their way to showcase him since he's kind of been a great story and all, but I guess that would have made too much sense. Oh well.

With Cullen a non-factor, the only point of interest was a personal blood feud between Granato and Pang. The diminutive netminder started between the pipes for the NHL Heroes, which naturally calls into question the very definition of the term "hero." Pang made a number of impressive saves at the start of the contest, including stopping Granato on a pair of penalty shots, before Tony's little sister finally had enough and drilled a slap shot behind him on the stick-side to put Sunbelt in front 1-0.

The rest of the game was the usual Heroes fair. While there was some well-preserved skill on display, it was overshadowed by the lame comedic shtick that has become standard during such games. In the end, the teams skated to a 2-2 tie, with Marcel Dionne, Ken Linseman, and Gordie Howe providing the rest of the offense. Howe's goal was a bit questionable, but who cares? He's Gordie Howe, damn it!

Once the Heroes split, the current day All-Stars emerged to make it fun. The first event of the Skills Competition was the always popular Puck Control Relay, which forces the players through a maze of cones like an LCS staffer searching for the open bar at a charity banquet. The rules of the relay were altered somewhat this year. Not only was the course structure slightly changed, both in length and cone placement, but the second participant of the tree-man teams had to be a defenseman and the designated blueliner was required to skate backwards to center red on his way down to pick up the puck. Hey, they're just trying to keep it fresh.

Tony Amonte by Meredith Martini

North America was represented by Tony Amonte, Rob Blake, and Mark Recchi. Peter Forsberg, Teppo Numminen, and Teemu Selanne did the honors for the World. It didn't look good for North America when Amonte fell on the first leg of the race. But the Chicago speedster recovered enough to keep things close, allowing Mark Recchi to shock the World by edging Selanne for the win in a true photo finish. Paul Kariya then smoked Pavol Demitra in a one-on- one battle to earn the North Americans another point, giving them a 2-0 lead after one event.

The World rebounded to knot the overall score with a dominating performance in the Fastest Skater competition. The times were up from years past, which could be attributed to the fact that guys skated one at a time, as opposed to racing a member of the opposition. Peter Bondra claimed the top prize with a time of 14.64, despite a slight stumble near the finish. While Bondra was a definite favorite, my money was on Amonte. Unfortunately, good ol' number 10's massive mane of hair slowed him considerably. It also made him resemble Stuttering John. That's never a good thing. Aside from Bondra's victory, the World also got a second point for having the fastest average speed. Here are the complete results:

North America
Player             Time
Darryl Sydor      15.35
Theo Fleury       15.47 (wiped out in the corner)
Tony Amonte       14.71 

World
Alexei Zhitnik    14.69
Marco Sturm       14.65
Peter Bondra      14.64

North America rallied to reclaim its two-point cushion in the standings with a commanding effort in the Hardest Shot. Al MacInnis was the last to shoot and blasted his way to his third consecutive title, and fifth overall (1991, 1992, 1997, 1998), with a drive of 98.5 mph. The North Americans also held a significant advantage in average shot speed, 94.0 to 91.2.

North America
Player         1st Shot  2nd Shot
John LeClair       96.2      98.3
Rob Blake    missed net      91.4
Mike Modano        91.0      96.2
Al MacInnis        98.5      95.5
                       
World
Alexei Yashin      91.8      89.0
Roman Hamrlik      92.9      93.2
Nicklas Lidstrom   91.2      94.0
Bobby Holik        88.5      93.4

The fourth event of the night was a new one, Goalie Goals. Each netminder corralled a puck behind his cage and then tried to fire a shot over a small barrier to the open net at the other end of the rink. The concept itself isn't too bad, but the presentation was brutal. For some unknown reason, a member of the goaltender's team had to dump the puck down the boards to kick things off. Wouldn't it had made more sense to have a member of the opposition dump the puck hard and then forecheck? At least that would have added an element of excitement. As it was, there was no time limit to shoot so the actual process of passing the puck to the goaltender behind the net served no purpose whatsoever.

North America was the odds-on favorite to win since Martin Brodeur is the second best puckhandler among NHL goaltenders, behind only Pittsburgh's Tom Barrasso. But surprisingly, neither Brodeur, Ed Belfour, or Ron Tugnutt were able to score. Belfour came the closest, sending a shot through the crease and just wide of the right post.

Dominik Hasek by Meredith Martini

Arturs Irbe did the unthinkable and rang the right post with both of his shots. Post like wall. Chomp, Chomp, Chomp. Post like wall. Nikolai Khabibulin also grazed the right pipe on one of his two efforts. Dominik Hasek proved to be the only sniper among the lot, splitting the posts with his second shot for the contest's lone goal. Hasek's cause was aided by a severely, if not illegally, curved blade. Upon seeing the sculpted hook, Khabibulin said, "That is nasty." Which, oddly enough, is the same response I often get when people see my broken thumb. Well, actually the most often heard remark is "Jesus Christ!", but I really don't think it looks anything like him. Hasek's win pulled the World into one point of the North Americans in the overall standings at 4-3.

Following the Goalie Goals, Johnny Cullen and Paul Stewart came out to center ice to address the crowd. They both gave thanks for the support they received in their successful battles with cancer. They also announced that the NHL's Hockey Fights Cancer campaign has already raised $900,000 in just two months. It was a nice scene.

The Skills Competition resumed with the Rapid Fire. This event was also revamped this year, and for the better. Instead of making the goaltender a sitting duck in the cross hairs of two shooters firing a total of 10 shots, this time it was a one-on- one confrontation. Five pucks were placed at strategic points around the hash marks. The shooter had 12 seconds to skate in from the blue line and fire as many shots as possible. They could slap, wrist, or even walk the puck to the net. Rebounds were also in play.

Mats Sundin was the first to shoot and started things in style, swooping in and burying his first shot over Belfour's glove. The Eagle rebounded, though, and shut down the Big Swede the rest of the way. Alexei Yashin took notes and found room over Belfour's glove for his lone goal, as well.

Irbe did Belfour one better, posting nine saves. The little Latvian shut out Theo Fleury completely, yielding his only goal to a Wendel Clark wrister stick-side. No disgrace in that. Clark can still shoot a puck.

Markus Naslund by Meredith Martini

Tugnutt had a tough time of it. He did, however, have an excuse. See, he's Ron Tugnutt. Aw, I tease in fun. Markus Naslund and Sergei Krivokrasov each beat the Tugger twice. Naslund scored with a backhand deke and a wrister five-hole, Krivo with a backhander that caught post and Tugnutt's wallet before going in and then a nifty forehand move.

Khabibulin posted eight saves against Amonte and LeClair. Khabby blanked Chicago's answer to Samson, but was burnt twice by LeClair over the blocker.

Brodeur matched Irbe's nine-save showing with the most spectacular display of goaltending in recent memory. It didn't look good for El Diablo's puckstopper when he drew Jaromir Jagr and Teemu Selanne, but Brodeur came through like a champ.

Jagr tried to wrist his first shot five-hole and was denied. He picked up the second puck at the edge of the left wing circle, drew Brodeur to the ice, and pulled the puck to his backhand for an easy goal. At least in theory. Brodeur, flat on the ice, reached out with his catcher and snagged the sure goal. Jagr didn't hesitate in racing to the edge of the right circle to fire a turning wrist shot. Brodeur, still in the process of getting to his skates, stayed down in a complete split and robbed him for a second consecutive time with a miraculous glove save. Jagr deserves credit for keeping his head up. A lesser man might have quit right there. But the Czech Wonder Kid persevered and beat Brodeur with a lethal backhand deke on his fourth shot. Brodeur gave him a playful slash as reward. Jagr then hit the right post with his fifth and final chance.

Brodeur wasn't done. He still had to contend with the Finnish Flash. Selanne began with a forehand deke, but Brodeur responded with yet another spectacular, sprawling glove save. Teemu then tried to stuff the rebound home only to have Brodeur get it with his stick. Selanne's next two shots both sailed high glove side. Brodeur closed the door with a desperation pokecheck to silence the Anaheim superstar on all five of his shots.

This was one occasion when Hasek was unable to show up Brodeur. The Dominator gave up one goal apiece to Eric Lindros and Keith Tkachuk. Lindros potted a rebound five-hole, while Tkachuk deked forehand and put a shot off Hasek's right pad that kicked up under the crossbar.

The World team won the Rapid Fire by making 25 total saves compared to North America's 23. The overall standings were once again tied, 4-4.

Shooting Accuracy was a North American affair. All four North American shooter, Tkachuk, Brendan Shanahan, Jeremy Roenick, and Ray Bourque, hit four targets. Tkachuk, Roenick, and Bourque tied for the best individual mark, hitting all four targets on just six shots. Although, Tkachuk did seem to cheat a little, continually inching forward with each passing shot. I don't want to say he was closer than everyone else, but two of his hits were disallowed for being in the crease. Naslund was the only World shooter to rub out all four foam plates, needing seven shots to turn the trick. Forsberg was three-of-eight and Martin Straka was one-of-eight.

But clearly, the highlight of the event, and maybe the night, was Dimitri Khristich's zero-for-eight showing. It looked like Khristich had one too many pre-show cocktails. The guy was strugglin'. Dimitri, have you ever shot a puck before? C'mon, dude, you're an All-Star! The Boston winger was goin' with the wrong-footed wrister, popularized by the likes of Mark Messier, Mark Recchi, Joe Sakic, and myself. The shot's all about leverage and snapping the wrists. Yet Dimitri was standing up straight and trying to push the puck. The ones that didn't miss the net entirely dribbled along the ice to dead center. It was some funny, funny stuff. Maybe he needed Jason Allison and Sergei Samsonov on the ice with him for moral support? Or maybe he needed a few more pre-show cocktails? I usually go with six... or until I start making drunken phone calls to Bea Arthur, whichever comes first.

North America earned two points in the standings, one for hitting the most targets and one for having the best individual mark, to take a 6-4 lead in the overall competition.

The final event of the night was the Breakaway Relay. It would be really cool if ESPN took its time and showed replays of the better goals and saves, but that's what VCRs are for. Anyway, six shooters per goaltender with one point awarded for each goal scored. This always decides things.

Belfour led off in net for North America. After stopping Roman Hamrlik and Numminen, Eddie got beat four consecutive times by Holik, Demitra, Naslund, and Sundin. Holik wristed a shot five- hole, Demitra and Naslund went with backhand dekes, and Sundin demonstrated excellent short-term memory by piping another shot over Belfour's glove.

Irbe was solid for the World, stopping five of six. Archie easily snuffed Larry Murphy's wrist shot with his pads, poked away Luc Robitaille's backhand bid, and knocked down a Clark wrister with his glove before losing his goalie stick in the Lightning winger's skates. That meant he had to face Tkachuk without a stick. No problem. Tkachuk ain't that bright and decided to test him low glove side. Irbe got it with his left skate. Recchi also failed to exploit the stick side, pulling the puck to the backhand and roofing a shot over the lunging Latvian. Hasek came to the rescue and handed Irbe a stick before Wayne Gretzky took the group's final shot. Wayne tried to go with the element of surprise and flip a quick wrister glove side, but Irbe was all over it.

Mattias Norstrom by Meredith Martini

Tugnutt was North America's second goaltender and did only slightly better than Belfour, giving up three goals. Sergei Zubov was first out of the gate and used Tugnutt with a backhand move. Mattias Norstrom attempted a variation of the "Dougie Weight" only to lose the biscuit when he tried to turn it to his forehand. He still deserves bonus points for going with such a high profile move. Good effort, Mattias. Make it fun. Nicky Lidstrom was third and had his forehand move stoned by Tugnutt's right pad. Peter Bondra motored in like a chimp and went forehand, but Tugnutt stretched his right skate back to the post to kick it away. Teammate Alexei Yashin was next up in a battle of turtlenecks. Proving once again that he is the master of the swank sweater, Yashin deked forehand and snapped a shot glove side for the red light. Selanne closed things out by displaying the patience of a true goal scorer. Teemu waited, waited, waited, and then zipped a shot over Tugnutt's glove with a casual grace.

Khabibulin was second for the World. Chris Pronger missed high on the first shot before Scott Stevens, Shanahan, and Keith Primeau each beat Khabby stick-side with wrist shots. Let's hear it for scouting reports! LeClair spurned the obvious and decided to try and tuck a forehand deke low at the left post. Khabibulin answered with his right pad. Modano was the last shooter and also wavered from the stick-side solution. Mikey Mo went forehand and tried to slip a quick shot five-hole. No dice.

Going into the final pair of netminders, the World had taken an 11-10 lead in the overall competition. It was up to Brodeur to keep things close. Mattias Ohlund drifted to his backhand before turning the puck over for a quick wrist shot, but Brodeur dipped his blocker to the ice and steered the puck wide. Sergei Krivokrasov had more success, deking backhand and barely sliding a shot under the North American goaltender's outstretched left arm. Marco Sturm continued to impress after his strong showing in the Fastest Skater by beating Brodeur forehand five-hole. It was sweet. Marty Straka almost added to the World lead, clanging a wrist shot off the left pipe. Peter Forsberg let me down by just trying to guide a low shot stick-side. Brodeur handled it easily with his blocker. Petey, when you've got a move that has been immortalized on a postage stamp, use it! Jagr was the World's ace. The best breakaway scorer in hockey wrecked Brodeur with a forehand deke, but it still wasn't enough. For the third time on the night, Brodeur absolutely robbed Jagr of what looked to be a sure goal, this time sliding backwards onto his stomach and splitting his pads post to post to deny Jagr with his right leg.

The goals by Krivokrasov and Sturm meant that the North Americans needed to beat Hasek three times to force a shootout. Good luck. Jeremy Roenick drove the net hard, slammed on the brakes, and tried to stuff home a forehander, but Hasek was ready with the left pad. Ray Bourque missed wide of the left post. Paul Kariya drew Hasek to the ice and then sent a wrist shot off his blocker and wide. Eric Lindros had his initial five-hole shot denied but he found the rebound on his backhand, pulled it to his forehand, and deposited it just inside the right post for the goal. There was still hope. At least there was until Hasek slid to his left and stacked the pads to quiet Fleury. Game over. Amonte went for the hell of it and broke out a real wizard head fake before having Hasek deny his backhander with a left pad save.

Thanks to Hasek's clutch saves, the World team skated away with a 13-11 victory. Arturs Irbe actually took top goaltending honors by making 14 combined saves in the Rapid Fire and Breakaway Relay.

In a related story, LCS Hockey held its own Skills Competition this weekend. Events included Worst Speller, Most Grammatical Errors, Fastest Libel Suit, Classic TV Trivia, Work Avoidance, and Indifference to Authority. Once again, I swept everything. Thank you, thank you very much. I do what I can. Which, as always, isn't much.

Good night, everybody!

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