Advertising Opportunities

(EDITOR'S NOTE: This article originally ran in the Greensburg Picayune and is reprinted here with permission of that fine newspaper.)

Something wasn't right. The thriving metropolis of Greensburg was not itself. The streets were quiet. Citizens were nowhere to be found. Even the air itself hung heavy with despair.

Yet this city-wide malaise was not caused by the ordinary post- holiday blues. This condition was brought on by something much more serious. Something even the most ardent civic leader could not condone. Namely, Greensburg's failure to host the Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament.

"It's a disgrace," claims Greensburg native Bob Schneider. "What's the holiday season without the Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament? It's a load of crap, that's what it is."

Mr. Schneider was just one of many irate citizens that voiced their displeasure to the local government over its decision to prohibit the staff of LCS Hockey from holding the annual charity hockey tournament. Schneider, along with an estimated 3500 other protestors, marched on City Hall Monday, December 28, in a last ditch show of support for the young, community-minded entrepreneurs behind the tournament.

"Those boys do great work," continued Schneider, still brandishing a sign that read 'Let Them Play.' "We're all proud of 'em. The fact that the city won't let them play their game, a charity game mind you, makes us all sick. Right now, I'm embarrassed to tell people I live in Greensburg. It's a disgraceful thing."

The dispute started back in June when LCS Hockey editor-in-chief Michael Dell made some rather pointed remarks in the local press regarding Greensburg mayor Carl Eisman. At the time, many pundits believed that Dell was preparing to use his enormous local popularity as a springboard into politics and perhaps a mayoral bid. When asked how he thought Eisman was doing in his job of running the city, Dell replied, "He's a spineless weasel. That guy wouldn't know character if you hit him over the head with it. I don't know how the hell he got that job. Someone must have lost a bet or somethin'." Dell went on to refer to the mayor as a crank, dork, idiot, maroon, and jagoff.

When asked later to comment on his harsh assessment, Dell defended himself by saying, "I meant it in a good way."

Mayor Eisman was not amused. He immediately rescinded LCS Hockey's recreational permit, breaking the city's four-year association with the Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament. A vindictive Eisman proceeded to rub salt in the wound by ordering that the tennis courts at Lynch Field, the usual home for the tournament, be ripped up and replaced by grass and any other material that precluded the playing of street hockey.

Eisman kept his plans for revenge under wraps. Most everyone in town assumed that the tennis courts were removed in order to provide a brand new surface to further accommodate The Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament. But as summer turned to fall, and the courts remained ravaged, suspicions grew.

Finally, on November 28, the truth was leaked to the press in the form of a secret memo from Eisman to his campaign manager, Henry Thickett. The note was never meant for the eyes of the constituency and read like the ravings of a mad man, closing with the line "I'll teach that little bastard to mess with me."

Headlines like "Evil Eisman Eyes Revenge" and "The Grinch That Stole Baby J" sparked public outrage. The situation reached a boiling point on December 17 when an angry mob descended on City Hall looking for answers. Things would have surely turned ugly right then and there had it not been for Dell making a rare public appearance in an effort to calm the masses.

"There's no sense waiting here for him," screamed Dell from the steps of City Hall. "I know where he lives." The mob then marched on Eisman's home, overturning his car, breaking windows, and causing a reported $23,000 in damages before Dell called things to a halt so he could go home to watch reruns of Columbo.

Dell's LCS Hockey partners were with him every step of the way in his feud with Eisman. "Delly's doin' what he thinks is right," explained Ace Reporter Jim Iovino. "It's our job to support him the best we can. Okay, sure, maybe that riot thing got a little out of hand, but those things happen. I mean, it's not like any of my windows got busted, so what the hell do I care?"

"We're just trying to help the community," stated LCS Computer Boy Zippy the Wonder Chimp. "We're all about community service. Granted, most of it is court-imposed, but at least we do it. I don't see Eisman out there wearing orange jumpsuits and picking trash off the highways. But we're there. We're there."

Matthew Secosky, the fourth and final founding father of LCS Hockey, was unavailable for comment in the hours following the assault on Eisman's home. He was said to be away on "assignment," but that claim was disputed somewhat by his unconscious body laying in a heap on the bathroom floor of the LCS Hockey offices, still clinging to a bottle of Sloe Gin.

Eisman, perhaps fearing for his life, was tight-lipped in the aftermath of what is now being called "The Dozen Man March" on his residence. Dell, however, issued the following statement:

"I regret deeply the events of last evening. There is no excuse for what happened. I apologize to my family, friends, and supporters. How we could miss that picture window overlooking the back yard is beyond me. But rest assured, the situation will be corrected.

As for the future of the Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament, it must go on. Even if that means it has to be held outside our beloved Greensburg, it must go on. It's just too important. I am currently in discussions that could see the game held on Tuesday, December 29, at the Sharpshooter dek hockey facility in Murrysville, Pennsylvania. Even though the game would take place in Murrysville, seventy-five percent of all proceeds from the Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament would still be funneled back into the Greensburg library, museum, and, since we love irony, Jewish synagogues.

It pains me greatly to think of a Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament played outside Greensburg. It doesn't have to be this way. We want to play in Greensburg. The people of Greensburg want us to play in Greensburg. All Mayor Eisman has to do is ask us back... and it would also be pretty cool if he could forget about the $23,000 in damages to his house and drop all the pending charges and stuff. But it's up to him now.

Thank you."

Despite mounting public pressure, Eisman did not change his stance. Before fleeing to Mexico under the name Miguel Hernandez, his final order to his cabinet and police force was to make sure that the tournament never took place inside Greensburg city limits. While one town mourned, another rejoiced.

"We're beside ourselves with excitement knowing that the Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament will be played in Murrysville," exclaimed Murrysville Mayor Tony Clifton upon hearing the news. "Not only will a portion of the money go to local charities, but it's really a boon to the entire local economy, what with so many tourists coming in from out of town to witness the grand event. It's the best Christmas present the city could get!"

There was a mass exodus from Greensburg on the day of the tournament. Those that couldn't attend the game in person showed their support for the cause by staying home and listening to the game's radio broadcast, forsaking all other responsibilities. The city effectively shut down from 8 to 11PM. Years from now every Greensburg citizen will have an answer to the question "Where were you during the Baby Jesus Tournament of '98?"

Despite extremely frigid temperatures and a nasty mixture of rain and snow, fans showed up by the thousands to partake in the glory that is the Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament. The publicity garnered by Dell's feud with Eisman certainly didn't hurt attendance. Anti-establishment slackers everywhere came to see their new folk hero. But lost in all the political intrigue and stick-it-to-the-man enthusiasm was the fact that Dell remained a local hockey icon even though he had rarely picked up a stick over the past three years. The chance to see him play was enough to draw many a fan.

"He's the most exciting player I've ever seen," claimed Robert Parker of Greensburg. "You just never know what's going to happen to him. I was here the night he got his head driven into the boards from behind. You should have seen the way he wobbled around the rest of the game, bleeding from the eye, and acting like he didn't know where he was. He's a true showman."

"Yeah, and what about the time he had his thumb busted by that two-hander," chimed in fellow Greensburg native Harry Longstead. "I'm not a doctor or nothin' but even I know thumbs aren't supposed to point sideways. We're talkin' 90 degree angle. I couldn't eat for two days. That (stuff) was (messed) up! It was wicked awesome!"

The massive crowd erupted with applause as the players began to arrive. The game's lineup card was vastly different from years past. While fixtures such as Dell, Iovino, Zippy, Matthew Secosky, Nicole Agostino, Shane Griffin, and Brett Taylor returned for another year, such Baby Jesus regulars as Dave Miller, Steve Wilson, and Todd Teacher were unable to attend due to circumstances beyond their control or, as in the case with Teacher, because they just "weren't into it."

Their absences provided the opportunity for four new faces to debut on the Baby Jesus scene. The first was LCS Hockey's own Pittsburgh Penguins correspondent Jerry Fairish. Billed as being "number nine in your program but number one in your heart," Jerry spent most of the evening reminding fans and players alike that he did in fact write for LCS Hockey. He was overheard telling one young woman, "You know, I could get you in to see Zippy."

The goaltending chores were handled by Lance Miller (no relation to Dave) and Bernard J. Dominiak. Miller is a butterfly netminder with excellent quickness, while Dominiak, in his own words, just looks for "any excuse to wear padded pants."

Rounding out the list of players was Chris Ruby, who didn't readily grasp the magnitude of the event. "I was just hitchhiking," said a stoic Ruby. "But, yeah, I guess I'll play. What the hell... It's for charity, right?"

As is usually the case with the Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament, the two competing teams were called Tradition and Commercialism to further symbolize the struggle between the opposing holiday forces. Prior to the game it was decided that Team Tradition would benefit from a constant five-on-four power play since it was clearly losing the war for seasonal sentiment.

Team Commercialism featured Zippy and Griffin on offense, Taylor and Ruby on defense, and Miller in net. Meanwhile, Team Tradition had Dominiak manning the pipes, Agostino and Fairish on the back line, and Dell centering Secosky and Iovino up front. At least that was the plan. The only problem was that Dell was nowhere to be found.

As the other players stood around at center waiting for the arrival of Team Tradition's captain, a nervous buzz began to sweep through the crowd. What if something had happened to Dell? What if Eisman's goons got to him? Then, suddenly, a voice shouted out from the far reaches of the crowd, "There he is!" The deafening ovation testified that Dell had arrived.

Staggering his way to the rink and appearing disoriented, the editor needed help from security to reach his destination. His physical condition was a pathetic sight. He looked frail and sickly, as if the stress of the weeks leading up to the game had finally overtaken him. Thankfully, the concern was relieved somewhat when Secosky assured everyone, "It's okay, he always looks like that."

Ill or not, Dell wasted little time in staking Team Tradition to an early 1-0 advantage. After accepting a brilliant lead pass from Secosky at the blue line, Dell broke in alone off the right wing and snapped a wrist shot from the dot that trickled through Miller for the game's first goal. It was a rather poetic way to start the evening.

"I do what I can," said Dell.

With their gaunt captain providing inspiration, Team Tradition stretched its lead to 4-1, with highlights including a blistering slap shot goal from Fairish and a dazzling individual effort from Secosky that saw him split the defense and beat Miller with a forehand deke.

However, just when it seemed as if Team Tradition would run away with the contest, Team Commercialism came to life. They methodically chipped away with timely goals from Zippy, Griffin, and Taylor to climb back into the game at 6-4. Even though Tradition still held a two-goal cushion, it was clear that the momentum had changed.

Commercialism also received an emotional lift from a mid-game trade of goaltenders. Dominiak and Miller switched teams in order to allow Dominiak a chance to live his childhood dream of playing against Dell and Fairish.

"They're both tremendous talents," said a humble Dominiak. "I just consider myself lucky to know them. Without their guidance and friendship I'd probably still be working as an apprentice crack whore. I owe them my life, my well being, and my new job as a crack whore."

Things got worse for Tradition when Dell began suffering his customary dizzy spells. At first it was hard to tell a difference from his standard delusional appearance, but it soon became apparent that something was wrong when, as if hypnotized, he began swaying in time with the crowd's rhythmic clapping. "I can taste colors," proclaimed Dell before collapsing into a lifeless stupor.

Having lost its battlefield general, Tradition soon squandered its lead, as well. Commercialism scored four unanswered goals to move ahead of Tradition, 8-6. Griffin accounted for the eighth goal and brought the fans to their feet with a remarkable display of skill. The powerful winger barged wide on right wing until he was almost parallel with the goal line. He then fired a backhander high short-side over Miller's left shoulder that defied all logic. The goal seemed to cement Commercialism's hold on the game.

"It was a sweet goal," admitted Griffin. "But that's what I do. I score sweet goals. And I don't get dizzy like some little punk."

Dell, the little punk in question, tried to respond to the challenge and rally the troops despite his confused state. Mustering all the strength left in his slight frame, Dell carried the ball in on left wing and casually beat Dominiak to the far post with a crisp wrist shot to make the score 8-7. Moments later he found Fairish open at the right point. The big blueliner unleashed a powerful drive, referred to as "The People's Slap Shot" by the faithful, that screamed past Dominiak to knot the score at 8-8.

While Tradition fans kept hope alive for a complete comeback, the brief scoring spree seemed to take a lot out of Dell and crew. Griffin further sapped their strength by putting Commercialism back in front 9-8 with a beautiful snap shot that sliced its way through Miller.

With the game being played under a first-to-ten format, Tradition was pushed to the edge of defeat. Try as they might to produce a ninth goal, it just wasn't meant to be. Zippy the Wonder Chimp delivered Commercialism the hard-fought win when he slipped free at the left post and tapped home a loose rebound before Fairish could bury him with a cross-check. Nicole Agostino politely helped Zippy to his feet and then proceeded to pummel him with a barrage of left hands. Oddly enough, none of Zippy's teammates came to his rescue. The beating eventually ceased when Agostino could no longer stand the whimpering.

"Damn chimp," sighed Agostino in disgust.

Once Zippy was scraped off the court, the two teams took victory laps and conversed with fans. Additional money for charity was raised by a drawing that charged a fifty-cent donation to guess how many layers of clothing Dell was wearing. Mary Richards of Pittsburgh guessed correctly with eight and was rewarded with a handsome assortment of malt liquors. "He looks like he'd chill easily," explained Richards.

Everyone was having such a great time that Iovino couldn't allow the night to end.

"Let's play another one!" shouted the plucky journalist to the appreciative crowd. "What do ya say? C'mon, it's for charity!"

The suggestion was greeted with an overwhelming roar of approval. Iovino further demonstrated his commitment to the cause by volunteering to replace Dominiak in net. Dominiak returned to Team Tradition, joining Dell and Secosky on offense, while Iovino assumed the goaltending duties for Team Commercialism.

Tradition was clearly the beneficiary of the prolonged break between games. The down time allowed Dell to regain his senses. With their playmaking genius healthy, Tradition dominated the second game, soundly defeating Commercialism 10-4. The Tradition goals either came off perfectly orchestrated odd-man rushes or were the product of Dell setting up in his office behind the net. On more than one occasion the words "Yee-haw! I'm Wayne Gretzky! Yee-haw!" were heard ringing in the night sky.

Following another physical pounding of Zippy, the two teams met at center and bowed to their loving fans. The players were on their way out of the rink to mingle with their throngs of admirers when chants of "LCS! LCS! LCS!" demanded yet another encore. As incredible as it may sound, a third game was played.

"We'd do anything for our fans and community," said Secosky. "We give till it hurts. Then we give some more. If we have a flaw it's that we care too much. Well, that plus the whole binge drinking thing... but really the caring too much is right up there."

Unfortunately, Commercialism defenseman Brett Taylor passed out from exhaustion and could not continue. This meant that Dominiak returned to Commercialism alongside Zippy, Griffin, and Ruby. Iovino also switched sides, providing Team Tradition with his unique brand of goaltending.

Game Three fireworks started in a hurry. Tradition scored on its very first rush when Dell backed into the slot and drilled a pass from Secosky low stick-side on Miller. Secosky extended the lead to 2-0 minutes later by gloving an errant clearing attempt out of the air and streaking in one-on-one against Miller, beating the Commercialism netminder with a swift backhand move.

Tradition dictated the tempo throughout. The run-and-gun style of Dell and Secosky spelled doom for their opponents, as the two teamed up to generate numerous odd-man breaks. The most notorious of which was a prolonged two-on-none that saw each man send three return passes through the crease before Dell finally put Miller out of his misery with an easy wrister upstairs.

Miller didn't seem to mind allowing goals to Dell. "I actually feel kind of bad for him," said the netminder. "I hear he could go at any minute."

Commercialism did manage to keep things close thanks to the quiet scoring of Zippy the Wonder Chimp, whose goals were described by many on hand as "garbage."

"They don't ask you how you score them," began a jubilant Zippy, "just how..." His statement was interrupted by a punch in the mouth from Agostino.

The Commercialism cause was also aided by the mounting frustration of Fairish. After blowing a two-on-one with Dell, the Tradition defender was so angered at himself that he fired his stick into the stands. Sadly, the lumber hit nine-year-old Aaron Riley in the head.

"Hey, read the back of the ticket stub," snapped Fairish. "He knew what he was gettin' into."

While Fairish was off trying to retrieve his stick from little Aaron's panic-stricken family members, Commercialism enjoyed a four-on-three power play. Tradition defender Agostino rose to the call and elevated her game, controlling the defensive zone through sheer will alone. Her strong play enabled Tradition to hold onto the lead until Fairish returned.

The two sides weren't at even-strength long before Dell set up Fairish for an open one-timer in the left wing circle. Fairish, apparently still bothered by the sight of Aaron Riley's bloody corpse, misfired on the shot. This time the fans were ready and covered their heads as Fairish sent his stick sailing through the atmosphere. Sadly, eight-year-old Karen Mueller was too busy reading the commemorative Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament program to notice the incoming missile. The stick hit young Karen in the head.

"Wow, two for two..." remarked Fairish.

Out of respect for the injured, the game was called with Tradition leading 6-5.

"Yeah, it's a shame about the two accidental head wounds, but that's still one less than we had last year," reminded Iovino.

"We usually just hurt people's heads with our writing," added Secosky. "Doing it with sticks is a nice change of pace."

In a ceremony following the game, Dell selected himself as tournament MVP.

"It's always deserving when I have a chance to recognize my talent and hard work," said Dell as he struggled to lift his MVP Trophy. "This is a truly great honor that I've bestowed upon myself. Luckily, I'm man enough to accept it."

Dell was then wheeled away on a stretcher and taken to the Murrysville Medical Center where he was held overnight for observation.

In the end, whether the games were played in Murrysville or Greensburg really didn't matter. After all, it's not the location of the Happy Birthday Baby Jesus Tournament that's important, but the spirit behind it. A spirit that can't be found in a bottle or a pill. A spirit that only exists in the hearts of compassionate men and women like the staff of LCS Hockey. And for that, we should all be grateful.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY JESUS PHOTO GALLERY
Be sure to check out the photo gallery, courtesy of Greensburg Picayune photographer Dennis Price.

[ issues | nhl archive | home | nhl history | about us | search | comments ]