LCS Hockey - Lack of Power Rankings

Lack of Power Rankings
by Michael Dell, editor-in-chief

Lack of Power Rankings At this time we would like to unveil the LCS Hockey Lack of Power Rankings. Using a complicated formula involving some sort of like math and stuff, we've devised an all-around worthless system that determines which NHL team is the worst. And considering the current state of the league, in which just about every team sucks, being selected as the absolute worst is quite the honor.

So, without further delay, here are the Lack of Power Rankings running from "really suck" to "not sucking as much." All rankings are as of October 14, 1998. Because these things can change in a heartbeat, Chumley.

1. Nashville Predators: Seriously, wasn't there room in the IHL?

2. Calgary Flames: Theo Fleury and not much else.

3. San Jose Sharks: No Nolan? No Friesen? Why play?

4. New York Rangers: Is it too late for Gretzky to retire?

5. New York Islanders: New uniforms are sweet, but where's Ziggy?

6. Tampa Bay Lightning: Johnny Cullen keeps Tampa out of the basement.

7. Florida Panthers: Young scoring won't hold up.

8. Vancouver Canucks: Deserve credit for being the first NHL team without goaltenders.

9. Toronto Maple Leafs: Mats Sundin and Curtis Joseph keep things from being completely ridiculous.

10. Pittsburgh Penguins: Tom Barrasso is the only reason this club will be competitive.

11. Edmonton Oilers: No Doug Weight means no offense.

12. Anaheim Mighty Ducks: Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne still might not be enough.

13. St. Louis Blues: First season without Hull could be a trying one.

14. Phoenix Coyotes: Lack of quality depth up front is needed to make room for Tkachuk's ego.

15. Chicago Blackhawks: Gilmour gives the club some much needed intensity.

16. Boston Bruins: Failed to improve over the off-season.

17. Ottawa Senators: Could ride Yashin and Alfredsson to a third straight playoff spot.

18. Los Angeles Kings: New uniforms are gay.

19. Montreal Canadiens: Is anyone still reading?

20. Carolina Hurricanes: Power rankings are stupid.

21. New Jersey Devils: The guy that invented 'em must be a real jagoff.

22. Buffalo Sabres: The next time you see Power Rankings anywhere, like say ESPN, just laugh at 'em and call the guy that wrote 'em a "peck."

23. Washington Capitals: That reminds me, "Willow" sucked.

24. Colorado Avalanche: Wow, I have to write about three more teams.

25. Detroit Red Wings: Let's see, what's on TV? Aw, David Justice is a punk.

26. Philadelphia Flyers: Peter Gammons would learn 'em.

27. Dallas Stars: Gammons 3:16.