LCS Hockey - Twenty Questions

Twenty Questions
by John Alsedek, Correspondent

Even though all of us at LCS: Guide To Hockey are rich beyond the wildest imaginings of even a Croesus (it is a little-known fact that Zippy eats his Coco Puffs out of a 24 karat gold bowl), we still feel that we share a certain bond with the common folk. In that spirit, I will be answering exactly twenty of your most commonly-asked questions...

Q: Why does the Canadian Family Lindros feel that Eric Lindros is worth in excess of $10 million per season?

A: Simple. Daddy Carl sees his strapping son on the covers of all the big hockey annuals, and deduces that Eric is the NHL's top player. Of course, if he was to actually read the accompanying articles, he would realize that a cover photo isn't always a good thing. Eric wasn't among the top scorers this season - he was only third on his own team - and he came up majorly short in the leadership department during the Olympics, playoffs, and even in regular season games versus top competition. Nonetheless, Carl Lindros has been pushing for big money for his son, plus a promise not to trade 'the Big E' - which, if Carl knew what he was supposed to know as a player's agent, is a big no-no for any player under age 31, thanks to the CBA. Of course, if Carl Lindros was more skilled as an agent, he'd have more than one client.

Q: Why is it that the Islanders can pay for a nine-man coaching staff, but won't cough up the cash for their only scoring threat, Zigmund Palffy?

A: Well, mostly because the combined salaries of their coaching staff- coach/GM Mike Milbury; assistant coaches Bill Stewart, Stefan Lunner, Wayne Fleming, and Greg Cronin; organizational coaches Steve Stirling and Gilles Gilbert; associate coach Lorne Henning; and strength & conditioning coach Scott Livingston - would only make a modest dent in what it's going to cost them to re-sign the Slovakian sniper. Of course, the Isles have no one to blame but themselves; last year, Milbury had the opportunity to lock Palffy into a multi-year deal in the $3 million per year range. However, Milbs played hardball with him, telling him to go out and prove that he was a consistent 40-50 goal threat. Well, Palffy did, and now he wants the equivalent of what Mats Sundin is getting - which is twice as much as what Palffy asked for one year ago. Palffy basically has them over a barrel, because, if the Isles are going to rely on the likes of Mariusz Czerkawski and Bryan Smolinski to pick up the slack, they could make the Great Gazoo head coach and it wouldn't make a difference.

Q: Now that Disney owns the rights to nationally broadcast the NHL (starting in 1999-200), are we gonna have to watch the Mighty Ducks on TV every night?

A: Nah. I think doing that would violate a passage in the Geneva Convention about having to watch Jamie Pushor and Pavel Trnka quarterback a power play more than once a month. However, I do have a word of warning for those fashion-conscious guys who'll be doing TV work for ABC/ESPN...well, actually, two words and a hyphen: mouse-ears.

Q: Who will be the first coach fired this year?

A: Paul Maurice. Before you ask why, bear in mind that: a) you need an atomic clock to measure the average tenure of an NHL coach; and b) former Flyers coach Terry Murray got fired after leading his team to the Stanley Cup Finals. Maurice's boys haven't even made the playoffs in his three seasons as head coach, despite more cast changes than Melrose Place. If the 'Canes have a start similar to last year's (they went 1-7-2 in their first 10 games), Maurice is history.

Q: Who's gonna be the #1 goalie for the Canucks?

A: Unless they're hot to get Daren Puppa from the 'Bolts - who I think might be persuaded to part with him for, oh, i don't know, perhaps a bag of pucks - their choices are limited. The best solution is to move Pavel Bure...from wing to goal, that is. Then he'll find out just what true unhappiness in Vancouver really is.

Q: Who's going to win the ownership battle in Pittsburgh - Roger Marino or Howard Baldwin?

A: If justice, fair play, and public opinion played any part in the decision, it would be Baldwin in a landslide. Owner of the Pens since 1991, he's well-liked by Pittsburghers, largely because he has always placed the good of the team and its fan base ahead of the bottom line. Unfortunately, it was that sort of thinking that necessitated co-owner Marino, who has managed to alienate the Steel City by stopping payment on Mario Lemieux's contract, demanding a new arena after the city had already gone ahead with plans to do $11 million worth of work to the Civic Arena, not-too-subtly threatening to move the Pens to Kansas City, bringing in a CEO whose specialty is bankruptcy proceedings, and generally doing the kind of things that really cheese the fans off. All that said, Marino is the kind of owner that the NHL really likes: he has lots of money, and...um, that's it, which tells you more about today's NHL than you really want to know.

Q: How many games will it take before 'Bolts coach Jacques Demers is wishing that Craig Janney was still playing for the Coyotes?

A: Um, how many ganes are there in October?

Q: Why is Stan Fischler still writing for major publications like The Hockey News, instead of selling them on street corners?

A: Because of the entertainment value of insights such as these...

"adding a second referee may be the most absurd move of the half-century" (unless, of course, you like to have accurate calls behind the play made)

"the good kid (Eric Lindros) has been unfairly abused - if not misused" (wonder if Terry Murray, Mark Recchi, and all the Flyers who had to take the media heat when Lindros bailed in the '97 Finals would agree)

"the best fighter not in the NHL happens to be Garrett Burnett...who should be a big-leaguer next season" (in the three games I saw Burnett play for the AHL Phantoms last season, he not only lost both fights - and badly - but showed so little overall ability that I'd be amazed to even see him on the Phantoms again)

"Bob Clarke will not trade for a goalie. Nor should he" (this was, believe it or not, written after the '97 playoffs)

"I'll take Scott Thornton over Joe any weekday night and on Sundays as well" (Habs GM Rejean Houle would doubtless give his eyeteeth for Fischler to be the manager of the Bruins for just one day)

...and my personal favorite...

"Alexei Kovalev is the most talented right winger this side of Pavel Bure" (yeah, and Hardy Astrom was the most talented goalie this side of Terry Sawchuk, except for the fact that he, well, sucked)

Q: After making some key trades (Mike Ricci, Bryan Marchment, John MacLean) that helped San Jose make the playoffs for the first time since '95, is Sharks' GM Dean Lombardi a genius?

A: Only in comparison with the guys he was dealing with. Fleecing the likes of Bob Murray and Phil Esposito is nothing to brag about, since it happens fairly often. And, just in case Lombardi ever gets too big for his britches, there's always the name 'Teemu Riihijarvi'.

Q: Will the Boston Bruins ever spend money for free agents such as Doug Gilmour and Ron Francis?

A: No, because ownership and management have a tacit understanding. Owner Jeremy Jacobs says he'll give GM Harry Sinden whatever size payroll he feels he needs, knowing that Harry won't ask for much for two reasons: first, Harry considers any player earning more than the NHL minimum to be overpaid. A prime example of that is Dimitri Khristich, the Bruins' second-highest scorer (29 goals and 66 points); Harry was prepared to let him become an unrestricted free agent rather than pay him his arbitration-awarded $1.95 million. And the other reason? Harry knows that, as long as he doesn't ask for much money, his job is safe.

Q: Who will win the Eastern Conference title?

A: Well, it won't be the Capitals, because they didn't address their need for a big-time scorer. It won't be the Flyers, because they don't have a power play quarterback. It won't be the Devils - no 'go-to' guy. Not the Sabres - not enough offense. Not the Pens - no depth at center. Not the Bruins - lack of scoring. Not the Rangers - too old. Not the Habs - too soft. Not the Sens - no complementary winger for Yashin. Not the 'Canes - they never make the playoffs. Not the 'Bolts - they've got Craig Janney. Not the Leafs - questionable defense. Not the Panthers - no rats. Not the Isles - pick a reason. I guess the well-informed answer is no one.

Q: Is this the year that Barry Melrose returns to the coaching ranks?

A: Not until he gets a haircut - think 'high and tight', Barry. Actually, it's more likely that Darren Pang will make a comeback to the crease...after all, he did play for Mike Keenan, and the Canucks need a goalie...

Q: Does it suck that Pierre Gauthier left his GM job in Ottawa, and then, before the words "I'm not leaving to return to the Anaheim organization" were even dry on the newsprint, he ended up as the club president and manager of the Ducks?

A: Yeah, kinda. But hey, his wife said she was going back to Southern California, with or without him, so at least he has a sense of priority. Besides, isn't managing the Ducks punishment enough?

Q: Okay, if Dean Lombardi isn't a genius, then how about Colorado's Pierre Lacroix?

A: Lessee, over the past twelve months, Lacroix has:

-let Mike Keane and Uwe Krupp go for jack-squat.
-traded a third-round draft pick for unwilling goon Francois Leroux, a prime example of the maxim 'you can't enforce much from the press box.'
-dealt the team's depth players for draft picks in an effort to acquire Vincent Lecavalier (he failed).
-hocked up promising winger Mark Parrish and another third-round pick for a one-month rental on grinder Tom Fitzgerald.
-traded skilled pivot Josef Marha for unskilled punching bag Warren Rychel.
-had to match a monster offer sheet from the Rangers to Joe Sakic because he didn't sign Sakic quickly enough.

...um, I think that would be a 'no'.

Q: Will Brian Burke be able to do for Vancouver what he helped do for the former Hartford Whalers?

A: Sure. Of course, that begs the question, "Does the name 'New Orleans Canucks' sound okay?"

Q: Will the expansion Nashville Predators perform more like the 33-34-17 Florida Panthers of 1993-94, or the 10-70-4 Ottawa Senators of 1992-93?

A: Split the difference, then add a couple of wins because their logo isn't a rifle-toting bug in a Civil War uniform. Due to rule changes made since 1994, it was a lot tougher to find any scoring amongst the third- and fourth-liners the Predators had to choose from than it was for Bob Clarke and the Panthers. Add to that David Poile's decision to go with youth, and you get a team that will be pushing it to win 25 games. On the bright side...they could use a cardboard cutout of goalie coach Mitch Korn in net and still win more games than the '92-93 Sens.

Q: Could somebody please explain the term 'contract' to Keith Tkachuk?

A: But of course; we at LCS aim to please. Webster's Dictionary defines a contract as 'a bargain; an agreement'; i.e., 'a written statement accepting certain conditions'. What that means is the team and the player (or his agent) come up with financial terms that both sides can agree with, the player signs, and gets paid a specified amount per year for the duration of the agreement.

Then, of course, there's the Tkachuk definition: follow the agreement while it's convenient, in this case 'convenient' being until your $6 million signing bonus is gone, and you're forced to eke out a living on a measly $3 million per.

It's bad enough that Tkachuk's word is worthless; what makes it even worse is his attitude. When asked about his threatened holdout, he replied "It'll probably take all summer, but I'm sure things will get worked out and they'll pay this overpaid player." For some reason, the phrase, 'arrogant, smarmy jackass' comes to mind.

Me, personally, I hope he sits. The Coyotes will miss him a lot less than one would think - especially in the tight games against top competition, where 'Captain America' plays more like 'The Invisible Man'. You just have to wonder, though, what the folks in Manitoba think about this - the children, pensioners, and everyday folk who spent their own money in a futile attempt to keep the Jets in Winnepeg back in '96, only to see their money go towards Tkachuk's bloated signing bonus. Their money was good enough for him then. Not now, though. Jerk.

Q: Will Petr Nedved be back in the NHL this year?

A: He was gone?

Q: Is Ted Nolan going to be coaching again anytime soon?

A: Nope - at least, not in the NHL. General managers are a funny breed; they don't generally go out of their way to hire coaches who'll go behind their backs to ownership and end up getting them fired. Whether Nolan did, in fact, do that to former Sabres GM (and current Rangers coach) John Muckler is beside the point. That's how Nolan is perceived, and until some GM feels like Danger Boy and decides to buck the trend, Nolan will have time aplenty to stay home and polish his Adams Trophy. Is it fair? Darned if I know.

Q: When will the insipid 'Family Circus' finally be cancelled?

A: Unfortunately, never. Bil Keane's inane, so-called 'comic strip', which depicts a saccharine-sweet, Ned Flanders fantasy world inhabited only by Bil (with one 'l'), his house-bound wife (oh, what realism), and a gaggle of brats in desperate need of grammar lessons and SlimFast, will run until the end of the world, as it is the harbinger of the Apocalypse. Don't believe it? Check out Revelations; it's between 'fiery sword' and 'great serpent'. Kinda makes one long for Armageddon, doesn't it?